Overcome your humiliations and change for yourself.

 For a long time, I thought I was a good daughter. In reality, my thoughts of being a good daughter turned out to be a lie. I realize today, that I felt like I wasn't ever going to change. But God who has been watching and knowing what I have been going through is here with me in spirit. My Father and I haven't been close at all. He still despises me and also knew I was lying to him because I wasn't taking care of him. However, my father has only me become a stronger person. I don't know where or when I decide to forgive him, in my prayer I wanted him to be forgiven. I am thankful that I am blessed with my mother who does support me and is like a second father to me. Yes, I do have a biological father, but he doesn't understand what I am doing. Therefore, if I had a real father, he wouldn't judge me for the flaws, but also at least try to help me to be a better person instead of the humiliations I am getting from him.

1. Don't be discouraged by what someone has said.

I realized that my father was never going to change and I was going to be a nobody. However, if I truly want to change, I must do that within myself, not by the person who asks you to.  And I realized that my father will continue to ridicule and be harsh towards me. I want someone who will listen to what you say and do. Don't end up feeling down and angry at yourself for someone who will not appreciate you. Love yourself, show yourself courage, faith, self-worth, and above all value yourself even if nobody wants to hear it.

2.Stand up for yourself and be your own sheep.

We need to open ourselves up and truly find happiness elsewhere. Don't go looking for the worst in others and validate for those who don't see your talents or greatness. I will say it again: "Love yourself, show yourself courage, faith, self-worth, value yourself." Never look for someone's attention because it's not worth the pain and enduring suffering to go for. Instead, show compassion and kindness to others that will appreciate you. When I first got a look into Dhar Mann's videos I realized that I see myself in these types of situations. My dad will never appreciate me and I am okay with that. I can change by myself without the reminders of my parent who will never truly respect me or anyone else. I found myself a real family in the Massey family. When I go back to them in 2023 I will spend time there and hopefully help them out more.

3. Being the better person that you want to be.

There's no shortcut to being a changed and better person, it's about how you really want people to see you as. For example, If I know where to help someone and volunteer myself for help, I don't do it because I don't want to show God that I am doing it for him. No, it's because it's the right thing to do. And don't let someone tell you like my father has: "Ain't nobody going to hold your hand, why are you lying to me on what you are doing, or this is one is my favorite humiliation that I got: "How are you suppose to be a veterinarian or veterinarian tech if you can't hold koda?" If you have a similarity of a parent like this, my advice is: "You can do this, love yourself and do things that will make you happy." I cannot let someone say "You'll never change!" Instead, someone will say this to you: "God loves you very much, and don't let other people say otherwise. There's no reason for this haughty or nasty behavior from one of your loved ones to destroy your joy. 

The Last piece of advice is this:

4. Don't be negative and never accept someone's toxic words instead move forward and don't go back to your past your future awaits you on the other side.

It's difficult to feel like a target for negative words, and I understand this because I still with my toxic father, and every one side with him and not me. I disliked being the black sheep of the family and that's where I was comfortable.  But, I ask myself this: "Am I the one who is not a good person?" Yes, I can understand that lying to yourself is horrible, but I doubt I'll continue this cycle. In today's society, parents are more cautious about what their child or adult child is doing, like a hawk they watch their children's move without letting them know where they are. Whether you're in an Amish community or other communities no one deserves to be ignored or threatened because someone doesn't see change for anyone. I have given up on my father who only cares about me being a smart kid, not an ignorant, lying, negative girl who will never change and stay the same. When I walked away, I cried in tears and let my emotions get the better of me. I also don't want anyone to look for advice from Quora, that website will give negative results. The only way you can is to talk to a therapist. The reason why I said that is because my life is hard and yet tough for me. Nobody, not even my own father that raised me wants to hear my complaints and when it got too much for me I dealt with attention detachment, feeling lonely, and completely abandon on who can support me through the rough days. The only people that I can trust now are my Mother and Dr. Kimberly Riley. If I wasn't here right now telling you all of the issues that I couldn't fix, I would've run away from home and lived in a homeless shelter. But I am thankful that God would not let that happen for me. And to be truthful, my father was never proud of me. All I got, was disrespect and hatred for me in his heart that I'll never make it out there. Writing is my passion, and also my escape from these disgusting toxic words that my father has projected from his mouth. My strict father never ever said, "I am proud of you." He only says that to my brothers, but I know now that he'll never accept me or understand that I have changed for the better. If you someone that says the same things that I have written, do yourself a favor and walk out of that life. Find your own worth, don't look for acceptance it's not worth the stress and anxiety. When I truly understand what's the real world is, I will not let anyone feel not appreciated. Be kind to others, help one another, and be kind to someone that shows you love and support. There's a reward in heaven for everyone that has given you the boost to change.

I hope that one day I will show this blog a message to those that feel like they're not worth anything, and stand up for yourself and give your own self-love that you're heart is pure gold. Treasure and treat yourself. Because you do deserve it and more.